Minutes from the 75th Collins Family Reunion

The day opened auspiciously enough, with abundantly temperate weather for the second Sunday of September.  As per usual, bowls upon trays upon boxes of eats poured through the doors of the Goshen Baptist Church Fellowship Hall, with the lot of the 90 or so family in attendance affecting seemingly nonchalant poses in their staked out spots near the food table, awaiting the “amen” before they pounced on the stack of Styrofoam plates and started digging in. 

And so the 75^th annual Collins reunion was underway.   Around about 1:30 or so, the church bell rang as the signal for those assemble to holster their plasticware and hightail into the sanctuary for the annual sideshow known as the business meeting.  Anna Lee Collins, in the final year of her groundbreaking presidency called the proceedings to order the best that she could.  After a couple of false starts, she finally found her bearings on the agenda and asked John Bennett to offer up the opening prayer, which he did with no small measure of aplomb. 

Then, Wayne Collins approached the pulpit for the reading of the minutes from the previous attempt at a serious business meeting, doing so with a fair amount of competence, though several complaints as to the accuracy of the contents did arise. Those included several mis-assigned grandchildren, inaccurate birthdates, and substituting of the name Martha for Tasha, however that happened.  Having hashed those out, the secretary handed the pulpit back to Anna Lee, who was already looking to get this over with.

After repeated calls for new business failed to garner any traction, she decided to revert back to old business and get onto the annual tally of the lists, starting with the births.  Several of the clan were very successful in extending the branches of the family tree through reproduction, which is always good news, at least while they’re cute.  They were as follows:

·         Anastasia Eaton Neves, born to Mark and Vanessa Neve (neeves), January 31, 2008

·         Gage Christopher Stamey born to Sharon Campbell on November 8, 2007

·         Hampton Bradley Cox, born to Brad and Amy Cox, December 6, 2009

·         Ian Francis Merritt, born to Mark and Heather Merritt on December 2, 2007

·         Skyler Pearl Rogers, born to Brett & Sarah Rogers.  Grandparents are Mike and Robin Bourn Rogers.

·         Brooklyn Reese Rogers, born to Kevin and April Rogers, August 27, 2008. Grandparents are Mike and Robin Bourn Rogers, who apparently had a very good year for grandchildren

·         William Tyler Hastey, born September 17, 2007, son of Scott and Janet Hastey.

The call for deceased family members from the past year was met with a happy silence, which is also always good news.

Those who boarded the marrying train were

• Jonathan Edward Hastey, who married Allison Langeler on November 17, 2007.
• Kenlind Jackson, who married Barbara Pringle Claypoole on June 28, 2007.

First timers to the meeting were:

• Jimmy Parker and his daughter, Kylie
• Leon Cox
• Gage Stamey
• Charity Moss, though no one seemed very sure about that, including her.
• Christopher Eldon, though not actually related to anyone, actually showed up anyway, which was difficult for the assembly to comprehend.

The youngest among us was Gage Stamey, who hadn’t broke a sweat at 10 months.

As to the most seasoned family member, someone brashly accused Sarah Sue Cleghorn of being older than everyone else, which drew loud protests, most notably from Sarah Sue. Suzy D. Collins Eaton ended up successfully defending her most-seasoned title from interlopers, clocking in at 94 years young.

Speaking of title defenses, Sonny Collins managed for the second consecutive year to come the farthest to the reunion.  Mileage was not exact, but over 200 seemed close enough.

The shenanigans involving the lists completed, Anna Lee then deemed it time to pass the plate for the annual ponying-up to the treasury. Sarah Sue Cleghorn registered a mild protest that we probably had enough to cover the cemetery cleaning and anything else, but she was over-ruled from the pulpit, with the reasoning that since gas is still going up, we should get while the getting is good.

In other business, John Bennett offered up greetings from Linda Bennett Pennell, who had just weathered Hurricane Ike in Houston, Texas, and reported no injuries and little damage, for which all were thankful.

Anna Lee, smelling the opportunity to put herself out of a job, moved the proceedings on to the bi-annual sideshow known as election of officers.  The fangs came out immediately as Anna Lee was first to throw David Mueller in the nomination fire.  Terence MacFarland was next up against the wall, but escaped with repeated pleas of mercy, as his schedule would not now allow for the rigors office one must endure when assuming the mantle of power at the head of the Collins family.  While trying to bring her husband around, someone snuck Janet Mueller’s name into the pot, amid her vocal protests, which fell upon deaf ears in the assembly, of which there were many.

This set up what may have been first husband-wife competition for a presidency since the Clinton administration. The vote taken, David Meuller was elected to the office, with one vote against, that being of the candidate himself.

For Vice President, Greg Collins was once again elected to the position, nominated by his brother Wayne, who figured that he keeps getting elected, he will eventually have to do something. He was elected to the office with one vote against, that being of the candidate himself.

The Secretary Treasurer position was again thrust upon Wayne Collins, who accepted upon the condition that the duties of buying plastic and Styrofoam items for the reunion be hefted upon someone else, as Hanna needed the space in the guestroom back. Janet Mueller, bless her heart, offered herself up for the position, which will be known henceforth as Reunion Materials and Plastic Acquisitions Coordinator.

Having successfully fired herself from her post, Anna Lee offered up last chances for anyone to get their shots in, as they wouldn’t have her to kick around anymore.  Ann Merritt posited a question regarding the efficacy of members of the family meeting the evening prior to the reunion, which for the last four years had taken place at Williams Brothers Barbeque in Canton.  And also, if the family were to keep the tradition alive, did it need to move to a new location.  The suggestion that the family give up on the idea of a gold-plated excuse to have two jumbo-sized meals in one weekend caused not a little bit of confusion among the assembly.  After much deliberation, it was decided to intrepidly forge ahead with the additional eating meeting, with the admonition to reach for that magic number of 25, so as to trigger the all-you-can-eat barbecue buffet.

That controversy sidestepped, Anna Lee, as her last act in office, played us through a verse and a half of “Blest Be the Tie”, and thus thankfully adjourned the 75^th Collins Family Reunion.